REMINISCING "MY" TRANSFI

I arrived at the Transfiguration of Christ Parish in Antipolo City on August 26, 2009.  It was after a year of formation on spirituality in Florence, Italy.  Before that, I had a beautiful four and a half year pastoral experience as parish priest at the Parish of the Immaculate Heart of Mary near Hinulugang Taktak (also in Antipolo).

When the bishop appointed me to the new parish, I had mixed emotions - of joy & excitement (with the trust given to me to handle the relatively big community and over the new adventure I will plunge myself into) and of fear & anxiety (because I was entrusted of constructing a church and getting to know new people, an experience I am not so comfortable with).  But in the midst of these emotions, I plunged myself into the experience.  I entrusted everything to God, whom I know, in His love and mercy, will give me the strength to go beyond any feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness.

Six years and three months have passed.  I was able to meet the community and journey with them in many various ways.  We went through many hardships of getting to know and accept one another.  We experienced a number of mistakes and failures.  I got irritated, angry and indifferent at various stages with people and programs.  They came to be frustrated with me at who I was and my style of handling things.  Yes, these were all true!  But at the same time, relationships were also built.  There came a blossoming of new perspectives and ideas.  We can never claim to have perfected things, but we got to understand how things were and what it will be - in the midst of our shortcomings.

So great were the experiences that I became overwhelmed by what were going on and how things were moving.  I could only see with gratitude the hand of a loving God at work in this community of ours!

I will be leaving Transfi for a new assignment.  I could not help but be sad . . . really sad and heavy with emotions.  The separation anxiety is just too great to handle.  But I know that this experience will all make sense according to the wisdom of God.  I have also realized that there will be mixed reactions to my departure.  I feel the heaviness when people, even those whom I don't know well, bid me goodbye with tears in their eyes and tell me how, in various ways, I have touched their lives.  I have never felt so appreciated and affirmed until now with the countless words of gratitude being given to me.  These makes things more difficult for me.  But at the same time, I also need to say my apologies to the people whom I have hurt and pained a lot.  There will be those who might be freed from the heavy burden of my presence.  I would like to say sorry to all of them.  I never intended to offend or hurt.  Perhaps in my desire to keep things well and in order, I forgot to see the reality that people are different and varied.  Let God's mercy be upon my mistakes.

But in all of these, I find the joy of having been a co-journeyer to the community of Transfi!  This is a community so great and so full of life, indeed!  Thus, I find it difficult to part ways with the parish community.

What has Transfi done to me as a priest and as person?

Transfi became a healer to me.  People never forgot to take care of me in many various ways (in reminding me about taking care of my health, telling me to religiously take my medicines, take my BP and look at my blood sugar level, accompanying me to the doctors, visit me at the hospital and at the convent when I was sick, and so many other moments).  In my many moments of sickness, whether physical or emotional, each one came to me as a healer.  And it made me go through the days at the parish a bit healthier and feeling better!  That was consolation for me.

Transfi became my teacher.   I can always proudly claim that I have studied and finished theology, became very good at it and have taught many people.  I can also boast of having gone through more years of pastoral experience than anyone else in the parish could claim.  But the life and experiences of the people taught me to see things in newer perspectives.  I was constantly humbled not only of the struggles in faith but also of the great and beautiful witnessing of so many parishioners I was confronted with day by day.  I even felt I could not and will never be able to measure up to the depth and commitment that many church workers at Transfi lived!  Thanks to them, I think I will be graduating from my experience at this parish with honors . . . for they have been the biggest teachers of my life!

Transfi became my family for these past years.  Each one was a mother, father, brother and sister to me.  They formed me like a child needing some learnings in life.  They accepted me - even in my most difficult mood swings.  They scolded me, especially when I was wrong.  They reminded me that I needed to smile and let go of negative vibes. They nagged me like my mother does.  They came into arguments with me when I became too stubborn with things.  They comforted me when I was down and out.  They embraced me when I felt so alone.  And I never felt so much at home during the many times they made me feel the warmth of their love at many various moments of my life!  I don't think it is an overstatement when I say, Transfi did not only become my family, for it was my home!

I don't like to be overly sentimental.  I am not such kind of person. But if I was led to these many wonderful experiences of love and family, who would not be affected deeply by the experience of parting ways?  Perhaps the heart will really hurt and feel a great pain when it lets go of even one heartbeat that says, "we have lived this together in mercy, in communion, and in love!" 

To my Transfi family, I bid you farewell.  Thank you for all the memories I will remember so well - for it has taught me so much and formed me to become a better shepherd to God's flock.  Thank you for taking good care of me and letting me feel that I am a friend, a brother, a son, and a father to you in different moments and instances of your life.  Thank you for understanding me in good times and in bad times, and making me realize that I can do better as a person with the community at my side.  Thank you for assuring me always that I can count on your goodness and your generosity, especially as you pray for me.  Thank you for the friendship that was started, the family that was built, and the home which we tried to create.  All of these will I keep as one of the greatest treasures of my life!

I will continue to serve God because of each one of you.  You all have given me the honor of becoming a priest serving a community named as Transfi . . . MY TRANSFI!

I will always proudly say, "taga-Transfi ako . . . taos, lubos, at para sa Diyos!"  God bless you!

Ang Kanyang Pagkapari sa Akin

Sa darating na ika-dalawampu't-isa ng Setyembre sa kasalukuyang taon ay ipagdiriwang ko ang ikalabing-limang taon ng ordenasyon ko bilang pari!  Wow, it has been that long since I have been consecrated to a life of service in God.  And what a real journey it has been so far.

Ang sumusunod na pagninilay ay hango sa mga bagay na palagian ko sinasabi sa mga nakababata kong kapatid sa ministeryo, gayun din sa mga nagnanais ng sumuong sa buhay ng pagiging pari.  Ito ay personal na mithiin at naisin para sa sarili kong buhay bilang lingkod ng Diyos.

Noong ako ay ma-ordenahang pari, tumimo sa isip ko ang mga pangungusap na ito na para bagang sinasabi na tatandaan kong lagi:  "Joel, always remember that your priesthood is the sign and fruit of God's immense love and mercy for you!"  Ang pagkaparing handog ay tanda at bunga ng napakalaking pag-ibig at awa ng Diyos sa akin!

Noong ako ay pumasok sa seminaryo ay naging maliwanag sa akin na ang bokasyon ay dapat maging isang banal na karanasan ng pagtitiwala sa malaking pagmamahal ng Diyos na tumawag at pumili sa mahihina at makasalanan, ngunit mga biniyayaang tao - mga taong tulad ko na tinawag para sa paglilingkod sa Kanyang minamahal na Sambayanan.

Ngunit kinakailangang kong tandaan na ang handog na bokasyon ay nangangailangan ng matiyagang pagtugon na nakikilala sa pamamagitan ng isang malaya at bukas-loob na damdamin para sa naisin at plano ng Diyos.  Ang Diyos ang siyang nagbibigay sa buhay ng Kanyang hinirang, gaano man siya kahina mula sa kanyang mga kakulangan.

Ang handog na bokasyon ay isa ring paglalakbay kaisa ng iba na silang nagsisilbing instrumento ng Diyos sa pagpapadalisay, pagpapalakas-loob, paglilinaw at pagpapatibay ng pagnanais na sumunod sa Kanya.  Kaya nga't hindi natin dapat malimutan ang mga tao na nagkaroon ng malaking bahagi sa ating buhay - lalo na ang ating mga magulang at mga kaibigang naging bahagi sa pagpapadalisay ng ating mga mithiin at hangarin.

Dahil dito, ang Diyos ang dapat maging "lahat" sa buhay ng mga taong naghahangad na tumugon sa Kanya.  Walang kahit anumang pag-ibig ang makapagpu-puno sa puso at makapagbibigay katuparan sa isang buhay ng tunay na kasiyahan at kapayapaan.  "Dios solo basta!"  "Only God suffices." sabi nga ni Sta. Teresa ng Avila.

Let me now go a bit personal.  It has been quite some time since I started my life in the priestly formation - and I started way back 1986!  A number of years ago, carrying many beautiful experiences in my family and school, and that of my association in church with peers and as a member of the Knights of the Altar, I applied for admission in the seminary.  Luckily, or it was indeed part of the plan of God, I was accepted at San Carlos Seminary.  Then, it began to sink on me that the seminary will be my home for as long as God wanted me to be there.  Mahaba-haba na rin naman ang aking pinagdaanan.  Tiyak na makabuluhan ang mga panahong iginugol ko sa seminaryo para sa mas malalim na pag-unawa sa Diyos, higit na pagkilala sa sarili, at may katuturang pakikipag-ugnayan sa iba't ibang mga tao.  Oo nga!  At pagkatapos daanan ang lahat ng mga iyan, humantong na ako sa pagpaparing ninanais ko - naging ganap na pari na ako ng Panginoon, Father Joel Francis Victorino!  Ang sarap pakinggan, 'di ba?  At pagkatapos lampasan ang ng mga mabubuti at masasaklap na karanasan sa aking paglalakbay sa pagpapari, naririto ako ngayong tinatanaw ang lahat ng mga naging kaganapan sa aking buhay. 

Perhaps before, I have just been observing - lumilinga-linga, nagmamasid-masid...'yun bang pinakikiramdaman ang atmosphere ng bagong buhay na kinalalagyan.  Bagong pari pa kasi, kahit na sabihing marami ka nang paghuhubog na pinagdaanan.  Siyempre, 'pag sinabing pari, iba talaga!  Sometimes we would even say, with a bit of pride, angat sa iba!  At heto na nga, nagkaroon ng kaganapan ang lahat.  Maaaring masabi na noong ma-ordenahan ay nagkaroon na ng kaganapan ang mga hangarin sa buhay.  Isama mo na dito ang panahon ng pagbabalik-tanaw at mga pagbibilang:

-  pagbibilang kung ilang taon na ba ang nakaraan simula ng ako ay pumasok sa seminaryo (ang tanda ko na talaga!);
-  ng kung ilang parokya na rin ang napuntahan ko para sa summer apostolate program at iba pang mga lugar sa Pilipinas ang napaglagyan sa akin (sa tabing-dagat ng Southern Leyte kaya o sa kabundukan ng Oriental Mindoro) para sa samu'y saring immersion programs ng seminaryo; 
-  ng ilang mga parishioners na nakasalamuha't naka-ututang dila sa sacristy o sa patyo kaya ng simbahan;
-  ang unang problema na dinanas ko dahil sa tambak na trabaho at assignments sa parokya (isa, dalawa, tatlo...hay, naku, 'di ba't tumigil na ako ng kabibilang pagkatapos ng isang dosena?);
-  ilang beses na rin ba naman na ako ay na-late sa misa (but come to think of it, I just overslept a bit and the people should be a bit more understanding...kasi pagod ako, he, he, he!);  
-  and di iilang pagkakataon na kabuwisitan ang ilang tao dahil sa anumang dahilan (at minsan kahit na walang dahilan...bad trip lang kasi ako noong araw na yaon);
-  ang napakaraming hamon at pagsubok sa pakikinig sa  counseling at kumpisalan na ang ikinukumpisal ay kung hindi kasalanan ng iba ay tsismis (Hay! Mapapa-krus ka na lamang!);
-  at ang napakarami pang mga karanasan na nagbibigay kulay sa loob ng mga panahong ito ng aking pagiging pari!

After all of these years of seminary formation and priestly ministry, perhaps not much has changed, nor will many things change drastically.  I am sure I will still experience pretty much the same things I have undergone before, except that of the ministry entrusted to me.  Naririyan pa rin ang mga problema.  Higit ko pa ring makikilala ang aking pagkatao, lalo na ang aking mga kahinaang madalas ay kinatatakutan ko.  Alam kong iiyak pa rin ako (tila nga mas madalas itong nangyayari ngayon kaysa noong bata pa ako).  Dadaan pa rin ako sa buhay na minsan ay ayaw ko nang pagdaanan o maranasan kaya kasi ang sakit-sakit na sa kalooban kung magiging paulit-ulit na karanasan ito.  But one thing will remain that will be an integral part of my life - it is the knowledge that God has loved me so much and has been so merciful, inspite of my weaknesses and limitations.  He has embraced me in my sinfulness and in the many shadows of my life!

I have been a priest for fifteen years now.  Looking back at these seemingly long journey in the priesthood, I would like to remind myself constantly, that "I am not worthy to become a priest!"  Hindi ako karapat-dapat na maging pari.  Pero dahil napakalaki at nag-uumapaw ang pagmamahal at awa sa akin ng Diyos, pinapagin-dapat pa rin Niya akong maglingkod at makibahagi sa Kanyang pagkapari.  Ganyang kabuti at mapagmahal ang Diyos!

And after all of these experiences, sa dinalas-dalas ng pagninilay at pagpipilit na maintindihan ang Ebanghelyo, ang makilala si Kristo at maunawaan ang tawag Niya sa akin bilang isang pari, mahirap na hindi nito mapanibago ang aking pag-iisip - kung ako ay magiging tapat sa aking paghuhubog sa pagkapari at sa aking sinasabi't isinasabuhay bilang lingkod ng Diyos.  Oo, isang uri ng pagsisimula ang hinaharap ko araw-araw, especially if I am to think of the many events that have transpired in my life - with all its problems and difficulties, and with its joys and blessings.  Kaya nga ba't  hamon sa akin ang patuloy na pagkilos at pagtugon sa anumang ninanais sa akin ng Diyos.  Napapamangha ako minsan.  Minsan nama'y nararanasan ko ang pag-aalinlangan.  May pagkakataong nagiging maliwanag ang lahat.  Ngunit sa gitna ng lahat mga bagay na ito'y iisa pa rin dapat ang aking magiging hantungan - to continue saying my "YES" to a God who called me...yes, even in my unworthiness!  Whatever the risks, whatever the difficulties, whatever the challenges might be, it must be a moment to moment "yes" to Him.  

Kung iisipin nga talaga, bakit ba ako ay pari pa?  Hindi ba napakamainitin ang aking ulo?  Hindi ba ako ay masungit at suplado?  Hindi ba mahirap akong pasayahin?  Hindi ba di ako masyadong marunong makisama?  Hindi ba marami na ang nasaktan sa aking mga salitang binitiwan?  Hindi ba mas ninanais ng maraming makasalamuha naman sila ng mas mabuti at magiliw na pari kaysa sa akin?  Hindi ba paminsan-minsa'y nagtatanong ang tao kung bakit ako ganyan, o kaya'y kailan na siya mapapalitan?  I have my many shares of shortcomings, sinfulness and imperfections, ang I know them all.  Pero tuwing tatanungin ko ang aking sarili kung bakit nakapagpapatuloy pa ako sa gitna ng lahat ng ito, iisa lamang ang nagiging sagot...at paulit-ulit ang sagot na ito - dahil lamang sa awa ng Diyos!  Kinahabagan Niya ako ng tunay!

Sa gitna ng lahat, patuloy akong magpapoasalamat dahil ako ay Kanyang minarapat na tumayo sa Kanyang harapan para makapaglingkod.  Dahil dito, mas lalo kong ninanais na magiging katuwang ako sa misyon ng pagpapalaganap ng Mabuting Balita kahit alam ko ang marami kong mga kapalpakan.  Sa pagiging katuwang na ito, pagsusumikapan ko na ako ay maging larawan ng totoong pananampalataya sa Diyos na humirang sa akin, kahit nagkukulang ako paminsan-minsan sa pagtitiwala sa Kanya.  Nanaisin ko rin na palagiang maging masunurin sa kalooban ng Diyos, kahit may mga oras na napakatigas ng aking ulo.  Dahil dito, kahit napakahirap minsan na gawin, pagsusumikapan ko na sumalamin sa Kanyang kababaang-loob - na hindi palagiang nangingibabaw sa iba o kaya'y hinahanap na mapapurihan ng ibang tao.  Nawa'y maging kasabay nila akong maglakbay patungo sa Diyos.  Patuloy pa rin naman akong naghahangad na maging larawan ng pinunong kaisa, kaugnay at kasama ng iba.  Batid ko na ako ay nag-pari at naglilingkod sa pagkapari dahil ako ay mula sa Sambayanan upang maglingkod sa Sambayanan!  At sa huli'y naroroon ang pagpapa-alaalang gawin ko ang Diyos bilang "lahat" at "dahilan" ng aking buhay - that God may be the only good in my life, and that this God, alone, may suffice and give joy to me.  Naisin ko ito nang sa gayon ay wala na akong ibang panghawakan pa sa buhay kundi Siya lamang - na Siya lamang ang magiging laging dahilan at kahulugan ng aking pagkapari!

Sa gitna ng masalimuot at minsa'y madilim na pagtahak sa buhay, naririto pa rin akong patuloy na tumutugon.  Nakapagtataka, ngunit naniniwala ako na nangyayari ang lahat dahil tinawag Niya ako...dahil minahal Niya ako ng may kaganapan!  

Sa patuloy kong pagninilay sa pagkaparing handog sa akin, sana ay samahan n'y po akong manalangin.  Sa gitna ng ng lahat ng mga pagsubok sa buhay pagkapari, ako ay maging kagalakan ng Diyos, maging panghabang-buhay na regalo sa Simbahan, maging matapat sa pagkapari, at maging tunay na lingkod ng pag-ibig ng Diyos...noon, ngayon, at magpakailanman.  Amen!