I'm still a kid at heart! And I like to play games. In fact, I enjoy a good game whenever I am invited to one, no matter how simple it is. I think it's in the fun and excitement that a game brings that make me embrace it...and that makes me want to be a kid forever. However, my experiences of recent weeks (months, even) made me doubt as to whether I can really enjoy well a game or two.
Life can be seen as a game - one that is highlighted by different sets of rules, the matter of winning or losing at the end of each experience, the people who becomes part of the game of life... This game called life challenges me to do many things. At many moments, it pushes me to the limits. And it hurts...it brings a lot of pain, at times...like when a guy playing basketball who accidentally gets punched at by a player of the other team; like a long-distance runner who, running towards the finish line, suddenly shouts in pain because of cramps; like a swimmer who could not just cope with other faster swimmers; like a kid who could not always have the ball to himself, but continues to long for one.
As I said, I enjoy playing games. But the game of life did not appeal to me so much these days. What am I feeling right now? It is all those examples that I have given, perhaps even more. Where am I right now? How do I describe these moments? It is like being in a "spiritual roller-coaster" ride. But roller coasters are supposed to bring out the fun and joy in people!?! The excitement of the many various ups and downs, the circles and turns, the motion and velocity...are these not a thrill to enjoy?
My roller coaster ride has not been all fun. Certainly, I desire for the thrill and enjoyment of the play. But I am in pain. There have been moments marked by serenity, tranquility, and a constant discovery of all that is good. But I live now a bumpy ride. I feel like either I'd be thrown off my roller coaster car or that it would be derailed. I keep on wondering why, when during this year of grace in Italy - when I am supposed to be more spiritually enriched and in deep touch with the presence of God - I feel so spiritually poor. I have felt so much this poverty when I could not grasp God working in my life in all its concreteness. I am even not so sure whether I am living well my life to the full. And I do have a lot of questions!
I am not in a habit of spiritualizing things. Thus, I don't entertain much thoughts about having to see all my experiences in a spiritual perspective. But I also, and surely,m do not want to lose touch of any experiences of the Divine. Perhaps I am in a process - but one which has not been so clear, yet.
This is the game that I play now. I don't want to think that I am losing. And I do not want to lose. What am I to do? Perhaps I simply have to make a step...small ones even...one moment at a time. Winning a game comes from an experience of pain because of a point not being counted in one's favor; of not being able to understand sometimes its rules; of not being able to win all the competition I have entered into.
I am still living difficult moments. But I don't want to quit. Not now, not ever. I think I can still enjoy a game or two. Perhaps all the ones that will come...still. There is the child in me... Did I not believe in this?
(This was originally published as a blog in my multiply site on 17 April 2009.)
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